Bar Confessions
by Wormtail96
Summary: This is Vlad. Vlad works at the bar of the five star restaurant, Red Square. There, popular characters pop in to have a drink. Sometimes, they share stories and even secrets. Because, as we all know, what the bartender hears is confidential, isn't it?
1. Spongebob

**(a/n) Now as you might have already guessed, this is a series of one-shots based on the ThatGuyWithTheGlasses series, Video Game Confessions. You may consider this a tribute to the series, as it is my favourite series next to Nostalgia Critic. However, this series features characters from both cartoons and movies. Also, our bartender here is Russian, not British, which I feel somewhat ashamed of as I myself am British. But I digress. Enjoy.**

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**Bar Confessions**

**Spongebob Squarepants**

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_This is Vlad. Vlad works at the bar of the five star restaurant, Red Square. There, popular characters pop in to have a drink. Sometimes, they share stories and even secrets. Because, as we all know, what the bartender hears is confidential, isn't it?_

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So, I'm just sitting there, tending bar, when in walks an occasional customer, Spongebob Squarepants. Now normally Spongebob was a very cheerful looking person. Always a smile on his face and a spring in his step. Yet this time was an exception. He looked very down in the dumps for some reason.

He comes in, sits down, orders a pineapple wine and hunches like a gargoyle over his drink. I'm watching him a few feet away and can't help but feel concerned for him. What could be putting such a cheerful man down? So I asked him, I said, "Hey, Gospodin Squarepants, you look quite down tonight."

He says, looking up at me with that big eyes of his, "I know, I know. Well, I've…I've had a bit of a bad day."

And I said, "Well, you know I'm all ears, Squarepants, so what's wrong?"

So he says, resting his face in his hands, "I just realized today that…t-that I'm a complete sell-out."

And I say, "Really? Oh…why do you think that?"

He then goes on to explain, "Vlad, I've been in the game for eleven years now, I have and looking back on it all now…it just makes me feel sick, you know?"

I nodded, "Oh, I see." Actually, not entirely, but I did get the gist and prompted him to continue.

All of it, he said, was now just getting ridiculous. He's got a show which has been running for eight seasons and counting; a feature-length film; a handful of specials; a dozen of video games and various other merchandise…oh, the merchandise. When you get down to it, he was absolutely right. I mean, have you seen some of the stuff his franchise has turned out lately? It does not look good.

He continues to say, "I mean, yeah, at first it was all fun and games, but now it…b-but now it's all just about the money! That's all the suits care about. It's the money!" He then did that…rubbing thing with his thumb and fingers to get his point across.

"Oh, absolutely." I said and rubbed the bar with my cloth. "But Sponge, that's how it is with a lot franchises. For God's sake, look at Disney and the Simpsons! You're pretty okay compared to them."

Spongebob then tells me, getting a little bit mad, "I know that! B-but…when I started in this business, I promised myself I would quit when I was ahead. Do up to about five seasons, a movie maybe and the occasional merchandise, but not it's completely out of control. I mean, have you even tried the lollipops. They taste like they've just been pulled out of a camel's ass!"

So I say, trying to reason with him that he saw the positives, "I know, but you do a good job, Gospodin Squarepants. You make kids and adults laugh and everyone knows your name. That's something to be proud of, right?"

But he held up his glass and starred at it glumly. "Make them laugh? I used to, yeah, but not anymore. They just consider me annoying. Hell, nowadays, I'm accused by adults that my show is turning their kids gay!"

And I go, "Gay?"

He then says angrily, "And they even accuse me of being gay! Can you believe that? What makes them think I'm gay?"

Something in the back of my head told me that I should drop this conversation. That is was not going to lead to anywhere good. But I was feeling particularly ballsy that day and proceeded to ask him the big question that so many of us have wanted to ask Spongebob.

"It's just that a lot us really do think…I mean…aren't you gay?"

Now he looks pretty angered and asks, "What? No! I'm not gay! Why does everyone keep saying that?"

I put my hands up defensively and tell him, "Well, Gospodin Squarepants, you cannot really blame them that much for thinking that. I mean, in your show, you really come across as very campy. You know, the jelly fishing, the bubbles…and there's that laugh of yours."

Then he says, taking a bit of his wine, "I know, but I only mean to come across and lively and energetic. But...well…okay, maybe I can understand that some people may get the wrong impression…especially the laugh." He banged his fist on the bar slightly. "God, I hate doing that laugh! It's torture on my throat! Watch…"

He cleared his throat a bit and attempted to demonstrate his trademark irritating laugh, only to end up coughing madly like some chain smoker. It wasn't a good sight, especially when he coughed up this white stuff and spittle onto the bar. I sprayed it and wiped it up quickly before anyone in the bar spotted it.

I asked in concern, "Jesus, how do you keep doing that on your show?"

He wipes his mouth and says after taking a drink, "They give me these tablets to take every morning and night. They do their job but…they their side affects. Why do you think my voice IS so high? Why my eyes are so bulgy? Prescribed drugs, dude."

So there was a moment of silence. He had finished his drink and ordered another. He then downed then within fifty seconds and asked for a third. Finally, I spoke up again, "Hey, uh…Spongebob?"

He looks up at me and says, "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry if you took any offence…you know about me asking if you were gay."

Now by this time, Spongebob is starting to show the affects of his pineapple wine. He mumbled a bit, leaning to one side slightly, "Ah, no problem. Though I wouldn't blame anyone for getting mad for being called a fag."

THAT took me by surprise. When people became drunk, their tongues had a tendency to become looser. But still, that came totally out of left field, especially from THIS guy.

So he started slurring a bit, "Yeah, I know, I know, "big shocker." Spongebob doesn't like fags. Well, it's true, I do NOT like gay people! At all!"

And so I'm just sitting their dumbfounded. I mean, okay, he's not gay, fine. But I had no idea that he of all people was homophobic!

Now I go, treading on egg shells, "But why DON'T ya like gay people, Spongebob? I just don't understand."

"Ah, I just think it's wrong, plain and simple." he says, drinking up the rest of his wine. "They all go about, corrupting the minds of our kids, so you can imagine how much I hate it when people accuse me of that crap! Then they all go on how they want to get married, just so they can ruin more of our traditions! Fuckin' bum bandits…"

I refilled his glass of pineapple wine as he held it out, but I gave him a word of warning, "Well, I'm sorry to hear you feel that way, Gospodin Squarepants, but you know, times are changing. Gays are more accepted in society today and just to warn you…there are often quite a few gays who come by Red Square, so maybe you should-"

It was just then that someone tapped Spongebob on the shoulder when he was drinking. It was Ernie and Bert. Oh well then this couldn't be good. So I was just backing off, 'cause I knew this was not going to end well at all.

Spongebob saw them and got up from his seat, still holding his glass. He asks them, "What do you fudge packers want?"

Bert says, keeping all calm and reserved, "You know, Spongebob, we don't really appreciate that kind of talk. I'm sorry if that's how you feel, but we find it really offensive that you yell about it across the bar."

Ernie now says, trying not to make a big deal out of it and getting in between Sponge and Bert, "O-oh, come on, Bert, let's not make a scene. Look, Spongebob, we'd just appreciate it if you'd just say sorry and get back to our drink, huh?"

By that time, Spongebob was too drunk to see any sense so he just gets cocky. He finishes his drink and laughs them off, "Ah, get back to ya bed, you two. Hey, just wondering, Ernie, do you give it or do you take it?"

So Bert just let Spongebob have it. He pulled back his fist and decked the little yellow bastard. Now the whole bar was watching Spongebob fall unconscious on the floor, sporting a black eye and his glass shattered on the bar. There was that hushed silence before a number of customers started cheering and clapping.

Ernie and Bert look at me and Bert says, "Put the glass on my tab, Vlad. Oh and…sorry for the mess." With that, he and Ernie walked out the bar hand-in-hand and I was just left speechless by what just happened.

I look over the bar at Spongebob laying unconscious on the floor, not stirring. So I go call an ambulance for him, still not being able to fully grasp these events. They came quickly and took Spongebob out and that's the last I've ever seen of him since. I sure hope so too, because at that point I felt like decking the little bastard too.

It is all such a shame really, because I've always seen Spongebob as this really upbeat and friendly guy. It's such a shock to see that beneath that he's a desperately miserable and embittered mudak who knows he's crashing and burning. But you know…there is something that tells me that he does not hate gays as much as he claimed to me that night. It's more likely it was all a result of the frustration of his failing show, the constant accusation of BEING gay and of course, the fact that he was drunk. Still, I don't think I'll ever look at Spongebob Squarepants the same way again and hopefully, that was the last time.

You see a lot of strange things as a bartender. You see a lot of strange things at the Red Square. So, I see a lot of strange things as a bartender at the Red Square. And that is no lie. I swear to it.

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**(a/n) I hope you enjoyed that total and utter destruction of your childhood. I sure did. If you have any suggestions for characters and their issues, do tell. Read and review.**


	2. Dr Doom

**(A/N) Okay, here is the seoncd in the line-up. Dr. Doom**

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**Bar Confessions**

**Dr. Doom**

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_This is Vlad. Vlad works at the bar of the five star restaurant, Red Square. There, popular characters pop in to have a drink. Sometimes, they share stories and even secrets. Because, as we all know, what the bartender hears in confidential, isn't it?_

* * *

So, I'm just sitting there, tending bar, when in walks quite the feared customer, Dr. Doom, aka Victor von Doom, the King of Latveria and the Fantastic Four's archenemy. Now this is Dr. Doom we're talking about - one of the "Big Bads" - so you want to keep on his good side, me being no exception. So I told myself, 'Right, just get him his drink and leave him to it. Simple.'

He comes to the bar in the superior marching manner, sits down and orders a glass of vodka on the rocks. I serve it up for him, but then he gives me a glare, as if I'd forgotten something. After a few seconds, I realised what the problem was and whipped a straw and put it in his drink. Ya see, Doom's got that metal mask of his with only a slit for his mouth. So he has to have a straw to drink it properly and so it doesn't rust the metal.

So he took his drink and I go back to tending the bar, but it was currently only him and I, so a conversation was inevitable.

"Barkeep, I demand another drink." Doom said, startling me a bit and he holds out his now empty glass.

I do as he says and I begun to wonder at the sound of his voice. He sounded a lot more pissed off than usual and to tell you the truth, if I have the balls to ask Spongebob if he's gay, I can surely talk to Doom.

Giving him his drink, I say, gingerly mind you, "Your Highness, you seem quite depressed tonight?"

He says, "I have a permanent headache."

I said, "Well, sire, I'm more than willing to listen…if you permit me."

He looks at me for a minute before saying miserably, "My latest clash with Richards and his brigade of fools did not end so well today."

Doom began to elaborate on his most recent battle with the Four. He prattled on and on about his genius and maniacal plan, how he had the Four on a platter and all that. At least, I THINK that's what he was saying, I was mostly distracted by the fucking magician hands he was making. Because nothing says villainy like jazz hands!

"Richards and his mob struck me when my back was turned!" He started rounding up his story, banging his fist on the bar. "They are cowards! No one can truly defeat DOOM!"

So I said, "Well…I'm sorry to hear that, your Highness."

He then goes on to say, "It gets worse. Latveria's falling apart. The economy is failing day-by-day; only 10% of the population can afford to live in towns and cities; one quarter of babies die before their first birthday and most adult citizens are too poor to own their own bed! I mean, for Christ's sake, we have a famine every six months; we receive now international aid and because most of the population are peasants, I've had to put down twenty-three Bolshevik uprisings in the last six years."

By now, I'm already shocked at what I was hearing. I mean, I've been to New Jersey and from the way he was describing his country, he made it sound like Malibu. So I tell him, "But your Highness, how can you be fighting the Four when you've got all that going on at home?"

"You could not possibly understand the complex situation of DOOM!" He said pompously after taking another sip of his vodka. "My feud with RICHARDS is-"

"Oh, no, no, no, no!" I cut him off. I know that's pretty ballsy, considering this is Doom we're talking about, but I just felt in the right mood to give him a piece of my mind. "I'm sorry, but you are the monarch for an entire country which is crumbling by the day! And you're spending all your time fighting pitch battles with Mr. Fantastic and the rest of the Four! I mean, forgive me, your highness, but that's just grade A douchebaggery, right there!"

He yells, "You infidel! How do you speak in such a matter towards DOOM!"

I actually wasn't that afraid of him, to be honest. He really needed a reality check. I leaned forward and snapped, "Look, Doom, as Latveria's King, you have responsibilities and a duty to your people! I mean, yes, you and the Four have a history together, but when it comes to point where babies are dying before their first birthday and you've got more insurgencies than the Middle East, you've got to get your priorities straight!"

"My priorities are crushing Richards and his band of freaks! Once that is done, then I'll get back to Latveria!"

So I say, "What IS it with you and Reed Richards, anyway? I mean, is it really him or is this just all about the Invisible Woman?"

Now he says, sounding baffled, "What? Are you implying that-?"

"Oh, come off it!" I said. "You're a man like the rest of us, Doom! Almost every man here wants to do Susan, you're not alone! Just swallow your pride and admit that it's not about Richards, it's about his wife!"

Doom looked like he was about to get on his soap box again before he just stopped. He kept his fist in the air like he was about to smash my face in, until he finally sighed and slumped down in his chair. He keeps his arms folded and sips down the rest of his vodka.

We have an awkward moment of silence, until he looks up at me and says in a more calm and mellow voice, "Okay, look, Vlad…you're right. You're right, it is about Susan. I mean, being a dictator has its perks and all, but it's really, REALLY lonely. A guy needs someone to be with or at least talk to, ya know? Most days I just sit on my throne and plot…that's it. It's depressing!"

He asks for another glass of vodka, so I give it to him and tell him, "Then you need to set up a relationship, Victor. Try computer dating. It's a good place to start."

Doom takes his vodka and drinks it from his mouth slit, spilling it a bit over his mask. After that he tells me, "I suppose you're right, barkeep. It's better than skulking about my castle all day. But with the mask…you know?" He taps on his mouth slit.

I says, "OH, yeah, yeah. I see what you mean. Their lips get.." I tugged on my lip a few times. "But maybe you could perhaps…take off the mask?"

"Oh, God no!" He goes, looking up at me. "Trust me, no one should be subjected to that, not even Richards. Believe me, my face is like Oprah on a seriously bad morning."

That's the last thing I wanted to imagine; Oprah's face on a really bad morning. Roma bastard, that was my night terror for the next week!

We chat for a little while longer until he finally decides its time to leave and tells me, "I might try it out. As for Latveria, well, maybe I could give the Prime Minister some more power to deal with the problem. Thanks for the chat, Vlad. Just don't tell anyone about it. I got a reputation among the other villains, you know?"

I said, "Duly noted, your highness. Good luck with the dating thing."

So he gets up, tells me to put the drinks on his tab and makes his way out. I was a bit worried though by the way he was walking, though. He had three glasses of vodka, after all. He was alright though…except he didn't make it back to Latveria, though. He woke up the next morning on the steps of city wall, his crotch plate rusted because…I don't think I need to say it, honestly. You get the idea.

You see a lot of strange things as a bartender. You see a lot of strange things at the Red Square. So, I see a lot of strange things as a bartender at the Red Square. And that is no lie. I swear to it.

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**(A/N) So that's Dr. Doom. I don't think it was as good as the last, but then again, I think my interest in this starting to wane, especially since I'm starting Sixth Form on Friday.**


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